The last few years i have noticed just how much my parents drinks and it's not a little. I always thought it was normal to drink beers throughout the day as that's what i grew up with. But the late few years it's become even more.
When i was younger it was normal for my parents to have a drink with dinner every night, and one a bit later. In the weekends it would be from around lunch time and throughout the day.. They where never drunk of what i can remember. The older us kids got the more they had to drink.
I, myself haven't had more than 3 glasses of wine since i fell pregnant with my first daughter. I hate the smell of drink now and it makes me sick to the stomach knowing my mother is loosing out on so much because of drink.
When i phoned her to tell Caroline was born she was pissed of her face, she kept asking the same questions and didn't really understand what i was telling her. I was so tired after the birth and i phoned her just 30 mins after she was born. The spinal tap was still working fully on me and all the meds they had giving me throughout the day was going good in my system. I got so upset but kept it to myself. Didn't tell my partner or anyone for a few weeks. I think that has added a lot to me being depressed. There's no welcome to the world card, nothing at all. She claimed it would be to expensive to sent us anything for Caroline, yet my real dad sent us a card which was both for me and Caroline as my birthday was a week after she was born and money for all 4 of us.
Even my nan sent us a card, which my mother posted for her. All of my siblings have sent something for both girls. But my mother is more concerned about her drinking and garden.
It make me angry that she won't spent an extra £10 and sent something for the kids. I don't care about me at least do something for the kids. My brother is living 5 mins drive from her and yet she never goes there to see him and his daughter and partner. She doesn't even go to my nan even though she is only 5 mins away too.
She's been to visit us 1 time since we moved here 1.5 ago. I been home twice, not a lot, but we haven't had the money to travel the last year. My partner is now refusing to stay at my mums house when we go there on holiday due to the drinking, he doesn't want the kids around it and i agree with it and understand it, but then where should we stay? Hotel is way to expensive, non of my siblings got room for all four of us.
I don't know what to do about it all, i want to talk to her about it but last time we tried she refused it all, didn't believe a word we said to her and kept drinking. Ive talked with my siblings about it and they agree someone should talk to them but we don't know who. My nan have tried before and that didn't work either.
I keep getting told to cut the contact but i can't. I love my mum to bits and she has always been there for me. Just only when it suited her and there is a lot she doesn't know about my life. My real dad is older than my mum, 21 years older, and i haven't had a lot of contact with him throughout my life. When i was younger he was proud to show me off but as soon as i got my own voice that stopped. I was a bad teenager, really bad but i learned from my mistakes and grown up. I had to grow up suddenly when i was faced with some very big decisions to make.
Now my real dad is finally more in the picture and i wish i had the gut to tell him i love him and i miss him everyday. I never told my grandad and he died two years ago this month and i regret it every single second of every day. I still haven't cried over the loss of him and it's building up in me still.
How do you tell some one that even though you messed up earlier on you love them? After having my own kids i realised just how much it means to me having my dad in my life.. I'm hoping i get the gut to tell him soon, really soon. Don't what i would do if i never got to tell him...
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