Preparing

From tomorrow and the next week forward is going to be a really weird week for me. Tomorrow it's 2 years ago i woke up to a message from my mum telling me my grandad had passed away. It didn't come sudden and it was kinda a relief but was still stunned..
All i can remember is i woke up half an hour or so after she had sent it, i had left my phone on the sofa table so didn't hear it. It was early in the morning. After i read it i walked calmly into bed and said to N "He is finally dead... I need to go see my nan and gather up with the family" No tears, nothing.

We got Lorelai up, fed and dressed and drove the ten minutes to my nan. On the way there i could feel tears pushing but don't think i cried that day. When we came there N went back home to give me and my family some space and so i wouldn't have to worry about Lorelai. She was just about 6 months.

My grandad was laying in the bedroom, all dressed up nicely. They had all said their goodbyes, kissed him and hugged him so it was  natural for me to go see him. He looked so peaceful, you could see he was relaxed. Yes he was dead but he had suffered from cancer for many years and it had been a fight to the end.

I never touched him or kissed him. I couldn't. I never told him i loved him but i hope he knows it. I haven't faced the fact he is dead yet. I am scared that if i cry and get it out of me i will forget him. I was never his favorite, my brother was. They had so much in common.  But he was the only blood related grandad i had. My dad's dad died years before i was even born so him i never knew.

I got so many  memories  of my grandad but im scared to shared them with anyone. I'm scared ill loose them. It might sound weird to someone.

He was buried on the 2nd July, 7 days later. It was a day with mixed feelings. We saw family members we hadn't seen for years, we all agree it wasn't a day to bed sad as my grandad did want any fuss made of his death. We all knew it was coming. Sometimes i had hoped i would have come years earlier but i am so deeply happy and grateful that he got to meet my first born.

I don't believe in god etc. But i have to believe my grandad is sat with his walking stick waiting for us to meet again.