I know i have been a bit quite the last few days, it's been a weird week really. So many things going on in our life, so much stress but yet so much joy.
My no-luck-strike is ongoing as it seems. 4.5 week after my section my scar opened up, thankgod it was just a tiny hole opening up but it meant a trip to the GP for more antibiotics. She than asked if there was anything else she could do for me and i told her about all these feelings i've been having since the birth. I had and still is feeling a massive amount of guilt, anything and everything makes me feel guilty, like i done something wrong.
She asked a few questions and quickly diagnosed PND - it didn't really come as a massive chock as my partner and me talked about it after a meltdown i had few days earlier. The pregnancy was so stressful as you might been able to gather from my last post, the birth was quite traumatic for me and i still don't know exactly why it ended up in an emergency c-section and i'm not ready to talk about it.
There's only 3 people close to me knowing about the PND, not because i don't want to tell people, but i don't know how to as i feel like it's my own fault, again the guilt. It's only my partner, best friend and GP who knows about it. It feels so strange that i talked with the GP about it. Some days i feel just fine, normal so to speak, but than one word or one look from a stranger can set it off and my day is ruined. Talking with my friend about it made me realise i had to tell the gp and get some kind of help.
I've been put on tablets to try and level out my mood and hopefully it will take away some of the guilt feeling i have. On top of that i got a really really bad spinal pain so been put on tablets for that too. Gp couldn't say if it was due to the EPI or the spinal tap i had during the birth..
Today has been a bad ish day for me and my mood. Been feeling so alone and off - but the day itself has been good. Took both girls to playworld for a few hours, Lorelai been really good - only a few "no" and not doing as she was told the first time around. It's mostly when she is tired is is misbehaving but putting her down for a nap during the day now means she wont sleep at night.
Caroline is not so much baby anymore. She is growing so quick! Lorelai was still in first size at 5 weeks old, Caroline is 5 weeks today and she is outgrowing 0-3 months fairly quick. She a bright little one though, just like her sister. Bet she'll be crawling early as she is already trying to pull her legs up under herself when we are doing tummy time.
Sometimes i can look at her and think it's such a shame we are not having anymore but then i think back on the last 10 months and remember why. I don't know what i'm going to do if it happens and i fall pregnant again. Killing a tiny human that's growing inside of me is just not an option. How anyone can do it i don't know. Must be an awful feeling having afterwards. I'm not judging anyone, i just can't get my head around how someone can kill an innocent little baby -even when it looks like a bean. In my eyes it's still a baby. Oh well, different people different opinions.
I am so tired but don't really wanna go to bed. I feel guilty towards my partner when i have to go lay down as i feel like he is doing everything. I hate feeling useless, i know my partner doesn't see it like that, but growing up learning to work through pain and tears is what i'm use to. Sitting still not doing anything is not me. People keep telling me how i have to be careful after the section as it's a major operation but i can't get my head around that. All i think is "i had a baby and so what?"
So many things in my head so little space upstairs, or that's how it feels...
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