2 years ago...

Loved and very much missed <3
(The baby is Lorelai only a few days old)

Preparing

From tomorrow and the next week forward is going to be a really weird week for me. Tomorrow it's 2 years ago i woke up to a message from my mum telling me my grandad had passed away. It didn't come sudden and it was kinda a relief but was still stunned..
All i can remember is i woke up half an hour or so after she had sent it, i had left my phone on the sofa table so didn't hear it. It was early in the morning. After i read it i walked calmly into bed and said to N "He is finally dead... I need to go see my nan and gather up with the family" No tears, nothing.

We got Lorelai up, fed and dressed and drove the ten minutes to my nan. On the way there i could feel tears pushing but don't think i cried that day. When we came there N went back home to give me and my family some space and so i wouldn't have to worry about Lorelai. She was just about 6 months.

My grandad was laying in the bedroom, all dressed up nicely. They had all said their goodbyes, kissed him and hugged him so it was  natural for me to go see him. He looked so peaceful, you could see he was relaxed. Yes he was dead but he had suffered from cancer for many years and it had been a fight to the end.

I never touched him or kissed him. I couldn't. I never told him i loved him but i hope he knows it. I haven't faced the fact he is dead yet. I am scared that if i cry and get it out of me i will forget him. I was never his favorite, my brother was. They had so much in common.  But he was the only blood related grandad i had. My dad's dad died years before i was even born so him i never knew.

I got so many  memories  of my grandad but im scared to shared them with anyone. I'm scared ill loose them. It might sound weird to someone.

He was buried on the 2nd July, 7 days later. It was a day with mixed feelings. We saw family members we hadn't seen for years, we all agree it wasn't a day to bed sad as my grandad did want any fuss made of his death. We all knew it was coming. Sometimes i had hoped i would have come years earlier but i am so deeply happy and grateful that he got to meet my first born.

I don't believe in god etc. But i have to believe my grandad is sat with his walking stick waiting for us to meet again.

Silent Sunday 23/06/13

To the one person that know me better than me

You are a very special person to me, someone i wouldn't be without. You came into my life when i needed someone to save me to most, you have taken me on a journey filled with love, hate, fear, stress, joy, heaven and hell.
You giving me the biggest and most wonderful gift in the world - two amazing daughters and your heart.

I know i can be a plain bitch at times and be really mean but when the day ends it's you i want to cuddle up with in bed and the first one to see in the mornings. You know all those things i moan about? That some times pisses me off more than it should - that is what i love about you. I love your passion for you hobbies, for your kids. I love how you don't care about anything except us and your family. I admire your  strength to carry on when the world throws shit at you. The way you snore at night might really piss me off when i can't sleep but i wouldn't be without it.
Laying in your arms is the safest place i know, hearing your heartbeat is magic in my ears. Seeing you playing with the girls is pure joy. So when i step back and just stand there and look, don't get upset i am enjoying what i see. When i take pictures of you don't get mad, it do it for  memories  and the girls. So that if one day we are going to loose you they can always look back and see just how amazing you are.

My love for you cannot be written in words, no word is big enough. But i love you, simple as that. Every inch of me loves you. The thought of you not being here breaks my heart. I am lucky to have you in my life, to have you as the father to my children.

You have been standing as my rock through everything, through the losses and gains. We been put through so much in the time we been together that i truly believe we will get through anything as long as we stand together.

Please hear me when i say i am sorry for everything i have put you through, even if it wasn't my own fault. And i am sorry for everything i will put you through in the future. I know you keep telling me to stop being sorry for things i can't control but i need to tell you that i don't mean things i say when i am upset.

Thankyou for what you giving me so far. Thankyou for believing in me when no one else has. Thankyou for being there for me when i need it and thankyou for loving me even when i'm not perfect.

You once asked me why i love you and i told you i don't know i just do - i still don't know why i love you i really just do. Everything about you. I hope i can make you as happy as you make me and that you will love me for as long as we are on this earth. I know i will.

You know me better than anyone else, you know all my weird  habits, my cravings, what i really look like in the morning. You have seen all sides of me and you can read me better than i can. But i know you sometimes wonder what's going on in my head and to be honest with you, half the time i don't know. All i know is every time i'm upset all i want to do is be in your arms.

When i say i missed you even though we been together all day it means i missed your hugs and kisses. When you cuddle me i fall asleep because i feel safe. I know space can be tight in bed in the mornings when both girls are laying between us, but i love it. I love looking at all of you, knowing you are all mine and i am lucky to have you all.

This is all i wanted to say to you. All i needed to say right now.

You are the one for me, the one and only. I love you <3

Flipping phone bill!!

Today has been... how to put it... an eye opener for me.. The morning started quite good. Caroline woke at 5.30 and we snuggled up in bed after a feed, Lorelai came in around 8 i think and snuggled up with us. Around 9ish i started getting the girls dressed and changed etc. N took Lorelai down for breakfast while i was sat waiting for Caroline to fill her draws lol!

Came down, had coffee and breakfast and started paying bills. Our phone bill looked a bit off and when i tried explaining it to N and he didn't get it after 4th time i started crying. Over a flipping phone bill. I think it chocked N and he didn't really know how to react. I feel silly now for reacting as i did but i just couldn't help it. I felt so stupid and like it was my fault the phone bill looked wrong.

After this i finished paying the rest of our bills for this week coming and we went off shopping - Lorelai was so well behaved shopping today and Caroline been ever so easy.
We are finally finding a good routine with both kids, sleep, eating etc. We even had them in the bath together today. Was such a joy and they both enjoyed it.

Right now they are both sleeping, must be time for a feed soon though. I feel so lucky, really lucky..

I realised living with PND is going to be hard, controlling my feelings etc. I'm hoping the tablets is going to help me or it's going to be really hard. I am trying not to let my feelings take over when Lorelai is getting a bit to annoying or keep asking the same thing 100000 times.. N is taking it fairly good and he is trying to step very carefully when i'm having a bad day but my mood can suddenly change and i feel so awful afterwards. Guessing it's quite normal..

Seeing GP again next week to discuss the tablets and what to do next and how to deal with it..

When a parent drinks.

The last few years i have noticed just how much my parents drinks and it's not a little. I always thought it was normal to drink beers throughout the day as that's what i grew up with. But the late few years it's become even more.
When i was younger it was normal for my parents to have a drink with dinner every night, and one a bit later. In the weekends it would be from around lunch time and throughout the day.. They where never drunk of what i can remember. The older us kids got the more they had to drink.
I, myself haven't had more than 3 glasses of wine since i fell pregnant with my first daughter. I hate the smell of drink now and it makes me sick to the stomach knowing my mother is loosing out on so much because of drink.

When i phoned her to tell Caroline was born she was pissed of her face, she kept asking the same questions and didn't really understand what i was telling her. I was so tired after the birth and i phoned her just 30 mins after she was born. The spinal tap was still working fully on me and all the meds they had giving me throughout the day was going good in my system. I got so upset but kept it to myself. Didn't tell my partner or anyone for a few weeks. I think that has added a lot to me being depressed. There's no welcome to the world card, nothing at all. She claimed it would be to expensive to sent us anything for Caroline, yet my real dad sent us a card which was both for me and Caroline as my birthday was a week after she was born and money for all 4 of us.
Even my nan sent us a card, which my mother posted for her. All of my siblings have sent something for both girls. But my mother is more concerned about her drinking and garden.

It make me angry that she won't spent an extra £10 and sent something for the kids. I don't care about me at least do something for the kids. My brother is living 5 mins drive from her and yet she never goes there to see him and his daughter and partner. She doesn't even go to my nan even though she is only 5 mins away too.
She's been to visit us 1 time since we moved here 1.5 ago. I been home twice, not a lot, but we haven't had the money to travel the last year. My partner is now refusing to stay at my mums house when we go there on holiday due to the drinking, he doesn't want the kids around it and i agree with it and understand it, but then where should we stay? Hotel is way to expensive, non of my siblings got room for all four of us.

I don't know what to do about it all, i want to talk to her about it but last time we tried she refused it all, didn't believe a word we said to her and kept drinking. Ive talked with my siblings about it and they agree someone should talk to them but we don't know who. My nan have tried before and that didn't work either.

I keep getting told to cut the contact but i can't. I love my mum to bits and she has always been there for me. Just only when it suited her and there is a lot she doesn't know about my life. My real dad is older than my mum, 21 years older, and i haven't had a lot of contact with him throughout my life. When i was younger he was proud to show me off but as soon as i got my own voice that stopped. I was a bad teenager, really bad but i learned from my mistakes and grown up. I had to grow up suddenly when i was faced with some very big decisions to make.
Now my real dad is finally more in the picture and i wish i had the gut to tell him i love him and i miss him everyday. I never told my grandad and he died two years ago this month and i regret it every single second of every day. I still haven't cried over the loss of him and it's building up in me still.
How do you tell some one that even though you messed up earlier on you love them? After having my own kids i realised just how much it means to me having my dad in my life.. I'm hoping i get the gut to tell him soon, really soon. Don't what i would do if i never got to tell him...

Admitting...

I know i have been a bit quite the last few days, it's been a weird week really. So many things going on in our life, so much stress but yet so much joy.

My no-luck-strike is ongoing as it seems. 4.5 week after my section my scar opened up, thankgod it was just a tiny hole opening up but it meant a trip to the GP for more antibiotics. She than asked if there was anything else she could do for me and i told her about all these feelings i've been having since the birth. I had and still is feeling a massive amount of guilt, anything and everything makes me feel guilty, like i done something wrong.
She asked a few questions and quickly diagnosed PND - it didn't really come as a massive chock as my partner and me talked about it after a meltdown i had few days earlier. The pregnancy was so stressful as you might been able to gather from my last post, the birth was quite traumatic for me and i still don't know  exactly  why it ended up in an emergency c-section and i'm not ready to talk about it.
There's only 3 people close to me knowing about the PND, not because i don't want to tell people, but i don't know how to as i feel like it's my own fault, again the  guilt. It's only my partner, best friend and GP who knows about it. It feels so strange that i talked with the GP about it. Some days i feel just fine, normal so to speak, but than one word or one look from a stranger can set it off and my day is ruined. Talking with my friend about it made me realise i had to tell the gp and get some kind of help.
I've been put on tablets to try and level out my mood and hopefully it will take away some of the guilt feeling i have. On top of that i got a really really bad spinal pain so been put on tablets for that too. Gp couldn't say if it was due to the EPI or the spinal tap i had during the birth..

Today has been a bad ish day for me and my mood. Been feeling so alone and off - but the day itself has been good. Took both girls to playworld for a few hours, Lorelai been really good - only a few "no" and not doing as she was told the first time around. It's mostly when she is tired is is misbehaving but putting her down for a nap during the day now means she wont sleep at night.
Caroline is not so much baby anymore. She is growing so quick! Lorelai was still in first size at 5 weeks old, Caroline is 5 weeks today and she is outgrowing 0-3 months fairly quick. She a bright little one though, just like her sister. Bet she'll be crawling early as she is already trying to pull her legs up under herself when we are doing tummy time.
Sometimes i can look at her and think it's such a shame we are not having anymore but then i think back on the last 10 months and remember why. I don't know what i'm going to do if it happens and i fall pregnant again. Killing a tiny human that's growing inside of me is just not an option. How anyone can do it i don't know. Must be an awful feeling having afterwards. I'm not judging anyone, i just can't get my head around how someone can kill an innocent little baby -even when it looks like a bean. In my eyes it's still a baby. Oh well, different people different opinions.

I am so tired but don't really wanna go to bed. I feel  guilty  towards my partner when i have to go lay down as i feel like he is doing everything. I hate feeling useless, i know my partner doesn't see it like that, but growing up learning to work through pain and tears is what i'm use to. Sitting still not doing anything is not me. People keep telling me how i have to be careful after the section as it's a major operation but i can't get my head around that. All i think is "i had a baby and so what?"

So many things in my head so little space upstairs, or that's how it feels...

Just another day in my life....

Today has been a killer! Lorelai is being a proper 2.5 year old at the moment and ARGH! For some reason she is constantly tired, even after a good night sleep. She drinks plenty and she is starting to eat good again (her eating has always been on and off, even when she was on milk..) We had a really nice day planned for her - trip to the local lake to feed ducks, play ground and picnic, but no she just wouldn't do as she was told so i told her to cut it or we wouldn't go. She did behave for about 30 mins but then all hell broke loose when i asked her to pick her toys up so we ended up staying at home.
Can't wait for her to get out of this stage, really starting to miss my happy girl. She is so well behaved when she is out with nanny, in nursery etc but as soon as we are home she acts up. I know it's just her age but gaarh!

So much have happened in her life the last year and she's taken it ever so good. But since i became pregnant with Caroline i feel like i have lost more and more of my big girl. I was in and out of hospital a lot during the pregnancy and had to stay in after the birth as it ended up in emergency section and i became anemic afterwards.

Right, on the 28th of August 2012 i took a pregnancy test late afternoon/early evening, i had this feeling that i was pregnant and sure enough the first test came back positive. Well i thought i was positive, very very faint but a positive is a positive. Next morning i took a clear blue test and it came back positive 1-2 weeks. My first reaction was "oh fuck! this is really gonna happen!!" We had been trying for more than a year to  conceive  but as nothing happened i gave up the thought of having more kids than Lorelai and starting selling all of the baby stuff we had saved. We moved from a fairly big flat to a SMALL house, very small house.. 1.5 month later i was pregnant lol!
Anyway the pregnancy sickness started straight off,  i was feeling a bit off a week before i took the first test. I went off meat, eggs, bread etc, barely ate and was so tired. Around 19 weeks pregnant i had a kidney attack, never have i been in so much pain. At tea time that day i started feeling more sick than normally i had two spoonful of my rice/veggies dice and went straight for the toilet. We both thought it was just the pregnancy kicking in even more but around 22/23 i think it was i got a really sharp pain around my kidney on the right side. Few weeks before this i had been at the dr's due to a pain around the same area, she thought i was  constipated  so i got fibergel and lactolose - it did help a bit and i thought the slight pain i had was just everything  stretching. Back to the night i went into hospital - at midnight the pain was  unbelievable  and i couldn't hold it together anymore, by now N had phoned out of hours to get some advise and get a dr out to have a look at me. I had been throwing up all night so i was getting even more tired and started to shake. N got told to ring 999 and get me straight to hospital - it took 4 HOURS for an ambulance to turn up and then two came.. N phoned 999 three times to hear wtf was going on. We got told due to the weather (it was mid december) it would come when it could and as it didn't sounded like it was a matter of life and death i wouldn't be the first they would  attend  to. When they finally came they could see i needed the hospital and something to take the pain quickly. I was still throwing up and was now laying on the sofa half naked in my own state of mind.
They handed me gas and air and within a few sucks i was back to being able to speak and breath without pain. The 30 mins it took before i was dressed and loaded into the ambulance i managed to use the whole  cylinder  off gas and air thankfully the other ambulance now turned up and they had an extra so they were kind enough to had it over. Off we went, N stayed home with Lorelai as i didn't want her to be woken up and dragged out of bed in the early hours of the morning when they could come up after i had been seen by the dr etc.

As we arrived at the hospital i had used the next  cylinder  but no one would listen to me when i told them it was empty and the pain increased again. That night of course the a&e was fully booked and busy as anything. I got put in a cube, handed some morphine and more gas and air and left to it - there i was, all alone, scared to death and it took hours before i was seeing by a dr. The nurse wasn't very nice and they had no clue i was pregnant until someone looked at my file - at this point i had been in the a&e for about 4 hours, i got sent straight to gyn. ward where they managed to get my pain under control with a lot of drugs.
I had a scan of my kidney but it showed nothing, my urine showed a higher count of white bloodcells but that was it, so they treated me for a kidney infection and said it could have been a small stone passing through too. I stayed in for 4 days before i was  comfortable  enough to go home. From here on it just went downhill. I got even more sick, was throwing up daily and i got no idea how many times i saw the gp. The pain was held under control with codeine, tramadol, morphine etc. At one point nothing helped and after a few more visits to the hospital where i got flogged off with  mussel pain go home and take paracetamol it became clear to us it was something much more serious.
One night i was in so much pain i was sat in the bathtub in almost boiling water to calm the pain high on tramadol, morphine and was drinking so much water to flush myself through as we thought i was another stone passing by.

Next day i went to the gp again, showed him the blood and he took another urine test which showed blood too. When pregnant that's not good. He sent it off to the hospital for testing as he had done with so many test from me. It showed nothing. I was treated with 5 different antibiotics before he one day thought of one other infection. A rare infection but it could be. By this time we had to swop gp as the one we had retired. He passed on his note to the new dr and when i came in a few days later he asked us very calmly if we knew of something called pseudomonas. I had no clue what he was talking about nor did N. Anyway he told us they would test my urine for it and he would let me know the next day. I was very very sick by now and as soon as we came home i was straight in bed and stayed there. N started to research about this pseudomonas and found out it was a life  threatening  infection.
The next day i was even more sick than the day before. Not even water was staying down. The gp phoned as agreed and i told him how the last 24 hours had been, he told me he would phone back a few hours later as the result wasn't in yet. And he did but by this time i was to sick to speak and N and him agreed i needed to go back into hospital to get fluid in me and they would have to start me on some kind of treatment to kill what ever was starting to break me down.
Caroline was doing fine all the way through this and she didn't take any harm what so ever of all the things i got stuffed full off.
Two days later it was confirmed i was suffering from pseudomonas and i was lucky. If we had waited just one more week it would have spread to my blood stream and gut and it would have been  fatal   Not just for Caroline but for me.
I sat down crying when they told me it was pseudomonas, not because i got scared, but such a massive weight had been lifted of me and i could finally tell family and friends what was wrong with me.
We got told i had to stay in for at least two weeks which broke me, i broke out in tears and chock and begged them to find some way for me to get home and still have treatment. And they did, somehow they got the local nurses to come out three times a day for two weeks to give me antibiotics through IV. The staff at the hospital worked all night to make sure it could happen.
So for the next to weeks i was housebound with an iv in me. I went out three times to do small shopping and to get some air.

After being tested and they told me the pseudomonas was gone, i somehow got GBS. I could only laugh at it, this whole thing had been extremely stressful for not just me but N too. Somehow it made us stronger, it made us both realise everything can end so fast. I have been lucky, very very lucky. I don't think everyone around us know how serious this have been. I lost someone who i thought was a good friends as she called me a liar and she told me i made it all up.
It took me a long time to come around to how close a call it was and it still seems so unreal.

I don't dare to think what could have happened if we hadn't pushed the gp and if the gp hadn't pushed the hospital. If i had taken the advise form the dr at the hospital who sent me home with mussel pain, if i had ignored the blood.This same dr told me i was fat, lazy and was eating the wrong foods - reason why she said this 1. mmy mother in law had been to visit me and had left a packet of crisps for Lorelai on my table. When N and Lorelai came Lorelai had a twixbar which she put thw wrapper on my table next to the crisps. 2 i didn't walk around on the ward as i was in a lot of pain still even with all the drugs they were giving me 3 i was/am a bit bigger than i should be but not overly fat and floppy. Lets just say this dr was not wanted in the room when i went into labour.
I am blessed, not just with the family i have with N, but with the gp who believed me and the nurses who agreed to come to my home and treat me. I am blessed my mother in law took her time to stay with me in hospital when N had to stay at home with Lorelai, who stood up for me and told the nurses straight every time they tried to sent me home without listening to me.

So please, if you know you are sick but they can't figure out why, please do not give up. Keep pushing them, be a pain in the butt for them, it's their job to figure it out. I don't wish for my worst enemy they have to go through what i went through with this pregnancy.

I lost over 2 st due to being ill.

Coming face to face...

So i met N for the first time face to face in April 2010. He flew to Denmark to meet me after chatting online in an online game for years. It was nothing at first, we where friends and that was it, just like everyone else was friends in the game. He was married and i was with a bloke, but non of us was happy. It started slowly with me and N becoming closer friends, staying an hour later on at night to just chat about anything and everything then one day i found him on facebook and lightning hit - from that day i knew my heart was with him but i was to scared to tell him. First of he was older then me, 12 years older, he was married, had kids and was not even in the same country. But the more we talked the more my heart was breaking and one day i just had to tell him how i felt. I had no clue how he felt and i thought he was gonna laugh in my face and tell me i was a silly 'kid' but no, what he wrote back made me drop to the floor. He have had the same feelings but thought it was just one of those 'i'm not happy in this relationship this person is giving me the  attention i would like to have here'
Weeks flew by and both of us agreed that this was more than just a flirt and a fling. I broke it off with the bloke i was with and N was getting ready to leave his ex-wife but a karma wants it she found out about it and kicked him out. She logged on his MSN and saw a msg i sent him - the reply from her wasn't nice.
I might need to add to this she had cheated on N more than onces and N say's he only married her for pity.

N drove back to his hometown and lived out of his car for a few weeks from end december 09 to middle of january 10. He got a room at a homeless shelter and i moved in with a girlfriend of mine in denmark. Weeks flew by and suddenly we where standing face to face in an airport in Denmark - it felt like my heart was going to pop out of my body. From here on everything went quick, very quick. We had a positive pregnancy test by the end of April and 40 weeks and 5 days later we were parents to Lorelai.

YAWN!

Gosh i am tired, t-i-r-e-d! Been a looooong day, well not really no longer than other days, this one just seems to be going on forever.
Got woken up at 4.10 by some kids banging on a car park sign across the street, half an hour later Caroline woke up for a feed and took about two hours for her to settle down again and after that i just couldn't fall asleep again. Lorelai came in around 7 i think and we managed to snuggle up in bed all four of us until 9ish, although i still didn't sleep as Lorelai kept asking for Mr Tumble and Cbeebies - yay for phones with internet and tv!

N(partner) didn't expect anything for fathers day but i got him a card and new clippers from the girls (he has been wanting new clippers for a while now lol) which made him happy. It's been fairly rough for him with his other kids and always been told he was a shitty dad etc etc but if people would just open their eyes and see how amazing he is with our girls they would change their mind. Yeah he made mistakes with the first lot of kids he had with the ex but he was 17 when she fell pregnant with the oldest, give the man some space! He done his very very best for all of his kids no one just never told him well done mate. Never in my life thought i by the age of 24 would have two kids and found the love of my life, i always wanted kids before i turned 25 but didn't really think that would happen but it did. And now it's all over with the kids part, no more kids for us - it does make me sad but i don't think i'd be able to go through another pregnancy after everything that happened with this one. I'm so grateful Caroline came out healthy with no side effects. She was a massive 8lb8oz and 51cm, which for us is massive. Lorelai was 6lb6oz and 49cm so Caroline is a giant compared to her. The day after we came home from the hospital (Caroline is born friday at 17.35 and we came home monday late afternoon) she was weighed by the midwife and she had only lost 1oz which is brilliant. A week later she was 8lb15oz! Really looking forward to seeing the HV again in two weeks to she how much she's gained by then. Got a feeling she's around 9lb5oz-10lb now, heavy heavy lady! Outgrowing her 0-3 months already!!

I will start telling about pregnancy etc very very soon so that you'll get a better picture of all these things i'm talking about here - today have just been one of those day's where we left home around 11 and only just got back an hour before tea time. Caroline is sleeping in her bouncy chair right now and Lorelai just finished bath and now sat snuggled up with daddy so she should, hopefully, be out of it soon. God i miss the day's when she still had a nap half way through the day....

Small steps...

Welcome to my blog and thankyou for reading here - this is my very first blog and to be honest with you it's like standing on the top off a mountain ready to jump, so here we go free fall!

I'm a very proud mum of two beautiful girls, Lorelai who is 2.5 years old and Caroline who is just 4 weeks old. Living with my partner who must be the most supportive and understanding man on earth. The reason for this blog is pretty simple yet so complicated - simple enough for people close to me to see them, complicated enough for me not being able to talk about it with them. I don't know where this blogging is gonna take me or if it's gonna help me in any way but here we go 'ey..

Guess i could start with telling just a tiny bit about me - as i already told you i got two girls and the love of my life. I'm from Denmark but moved here last year due to my partner being "kicked" out of Denmark after a long battle with the system. It's been so stressful for us all having to move, raise a 1 year old back then, making her understand why and how, saying goodbye to friends and family, letting go of friends and being accepted in a new country and a new family.

I fell pregnant almost the same day i met my partner, he came to Denmark to meet me and to see if any of these feelings we had over the internet was real and they most have been cus here we are 3 years later with our little family growing stronger and closer every day. We been put through hell a few times now and we are still standing. He is truly the best dad to our girls, most loving, caring and understanding guy. Anyway, people have judged us and some still do - don't know if it's due to the fact he is 12 years older than me or they are just jealous..
As quick as it went to fall pregnant with Lorelai as slow did it go with Caroline. We knew from day one that this was the true thing, what ever was between us was meant to be. Due to his age we wanted the kids to be fairly close but it took more than a year before i got pregnant with Caroline, a pregnancy i will write a lot about in the next few weeks as it was a battle from day one. I will take it in very small steps telling my story but i need to let it out.

I hope you all will enjoy my journey and you are more than welcome to give out your view of it..