I know, i've been very very quiet lately. It's been a few up and down weeks lately, my mood is all over the place again and i'm so fed up!
My back is hurting so badly, sunday i was stuck in bed as i couldn't move without pain. Now i'm just cracking on, so fed up not being able to do anything i'm working through the pain. I know i'm going to break down again very soon but hopefully the dr can help today.
Lorelai and Caroline is both growing and growing into these amazing little people. Caroline held her head/neck and upper back right up this morning when we did tummy time. Out of the blue she is suddenly able to do it. She's 9 weeks on friday, gone so quick. Tomorrow we are going to have her first baby jabs done, dreading it! Don't want my little baba sick and specially not in this hot weather. She's coping really well with the heat so far, only had two day's where she's been really hard to settle and feed.
Lorelai is growing into this little beautiful clever girl. She is pronouncing words so clearly now and know so many words. Tall and slim with these cute blond curls. But she got a temper! Some day's is dragging teeth out, she learned to use no and no i am not in the right way now.
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Monday, 1 July 2013
PND
How do you tell someone that you been diagnosed with PND? And how do you explain to them what it's like to live with it?
Been told the first step to recover is to admit you are depressed and need help from some one to get better. I think i knew long before i told N about it. I think it started through the pregnancy to be honest. The last weeks of the pregnancy i felt so alone and really low. I thought it was just the last stage of the pregnancy but looking back now i think it might have started then.
I found it really hard to admit to N - it came out after a massive break down from me. And his words was so simple "I know, i known for some time now"
Why he didn't tell me i couldn't get into my head but i get it now - if he had told me i would never have admitted it to myself.
But how do you explain to someone who's never been depressed what it's like?
It's not like i'm sat daily sobbing and not doing anything. I have good days or half good days some days. I do normal things, i play with the kids, do the housework, we go out etc. I might not be smiling and laughing every day but im getting on with life.
A part of me wants to tell the world why im grumpy some days and why i don't feel like meeting up or why i need to get out of the house for a bit. N is so supportive and so understanding, i don't get how he can cope. I'm trying my hardest to be me but it's so hard. It might sound silly but i lost track of me.
After having Lorelai it's been all her, giving and making sure she have had everything and maybe a bit to much. I've done small things for myself like haircut and new colour etc. I treated myself to new cloth during the pregnancy. But when i think about buying cloth or things for me i feel guilty. I feel like i should let N buy things for him instead and for the girls.
I don't really like spending money on me, im scared that if we are short on money it will be my fault as i bought something for me. N just bought me a tablet, i wanted one but i would never buy it for myself. I feel so greedy.
I'm scared if i tell my family they are going to treat me differently, see me as the weak person. If i tell my friends i'm scared they are going to move away from me and i'll be standing alone in the end. I wish it would be easier to tell them. I hate lying to them when they ask if im ok cus im not really speaking or i seem off. As long as Caroline is this little it's easy to say "oh im just really tired, you know new baby etc". I feel ashamed of it and i know i shouldn't but i do. I feel like admitting it and then having to tell people about it will make me look very weak. I already feel like everyone around me knows, it feels like they are looking at me like "oh poor girl". I think that's why i couldn't and still can't accept i need to take it slow after the section. I'm not weak and i'm not the poor girl sat in the corner crying. I've grown up with being pushed to work through the aches and pains and put the feelings aside. So that's what i do. I make sure the girls and N knows i love them more than anything and i adore them but that's it. When i start crying i stop myself cus i get ashamed of myself.
When i think "clearly" i know it's something i need to get over and let go to recover. Tablets is not going to make me better without me doing something to help myself.
Been told the first step to recover is to admit you are depressed and need help from some one to get better. I think i knew long before i told N about it. I think it started through the pregnancy to be honest. The last weeks of the pregnancy i felt so alone and really low. I thought it was just the last stage of the pregnancy but looking back now i think it might have started then.
I found it really hard to admit to N - it came out after a massive break down from me. And his words was so simple "I know, i known for some time now"
Why he didn't tell me i couldn't get into my head but i get it now - if he had told me i would never have admitted it to myself.
But how do you explain to someone who's never been depressed what it's like?
It's not like i'm sat daily sobbing and not doing anything. I have good days or half good days some days. I do normal things, i play with the kids, do the housework, we go out etc. I might not be smiling and laughing every day but im getting on with life.
A part of me wants to tell the world why im grumpy some days and why i don't feel like meeting up or why i need to get out of the house for a bit. N is so supportive and so understanding, i don't get how he can cope. I'm trying my hardest to be me but it's so hard. It might sound silly but i lost track of me.
After having Lorelai it's been all her, giving and making sure she have had everything and maybe a bit to much. I've done small things for myself like haircut and new colour etc. I treated myself to new cloth during the pregnancy. But when i think about buying cloth or things for me i feel guilty. I feel like i should let N buy things for him instead and for the girls.
I don't really like spending money on me, im scared that if we are short on money it will be my fault as i bought something for me. N just bought me a tablet, i wanted one but i would never buy it for myself. I feel so greedy.
I'm scared if i tell my family they are going to treat me differently, see me as the weak person. If i tell my friends i'm scared they are going to move away from me and i'll be standing alone in the end. I wish it would be easier to tell them. I hate lying to them when they ask if im ok cus im not really speaking or i seem off. As long as Caroline is this little it's easy to say "oh im just really tired, you know new baby etc". I feel ashamed of it and i know i shouldn't but i do. I feel like admitting it and then having to tell people about it will make me look very weak. I already feel like everyone around me knows, it feels like they are looking at me like "oh poor girl". I think that's why i couldn't and still can't accept i need to take it slow after the section. I'm not weak and i'm not the poor girl sat in the corner crying. I've grown up with being pushed to work through the aches and pains and put the feelings aside. So that's what i do. I make sure the girls and N knows i love them more than anything and i adore them but that's it. When i start crying i stop myself cus i get ashamed of myself.
When i think "clearly" i know it's something i need to get over and let go to recover. Tablets is not going to make me better without me doing something to help myself.
Todays day...
It's been almost a week since i been on here last.. Well i been on but every time i've tried to write something my mind has blacked out. The last week been really crap to be honest. My emotions been all over the place and i feel dead inside.
Doesn't help Lorelai is being a proper stroppy 2.5 year old.
It's not all been bad the last week, have had some really good laughs with the family and i keep getting this feeling of how blessed and lucky i am, but sadly at some level it makes me feel like i don't deserve them as i keep bringing illness into our little family. I've talked with the gp about it and been told it's very very normal so i'll trust that.
Today i told my brother and his girlfriend that i've gone head first into PND and asked them not to tell anyone. There's still only a few people knowing - telling them today is a bit of the weight of my shoulders. At least they will understand why i don't feel like talking or got the mind to put together a trip to go over and see them right now.
It sucks though, as i am longing to see my brother and show him Caroline. He is having an operation in september and wish i could be there for him.. It's hard not being around my brother, he and I use to be close but so much has happened and with me moving here we just fallen apart. He is still the one i talk to the most. My mum, well, been weeks since i've heard from her. I really don't have the mind to sit down and sent her an email. I got no idea what to tell her. All she wants it's pictures to show off, frankly i'm sick of sending her pictures without her being involved.
Tomorrow it's 2 years since we waved the final goodbye to my grandad. I know tomorrow is going to be hard to get through. I miss him everyday and when i think of him it still tears me up. I feel sick and clammy. Wonder if i'll ever be able to let go off him.
Doesn't help Lorelai is being a proper stroppy 2.5 year old.
It's not all been bad the last week, have had some really good laughs with the family and i keep getting this feeling of how blessed and lucky i am, but sadly at some level it makes me feel like i don't deserve them as i keep bringing illness into our little family. I've talked with the gp about it and been told it's very very normal so i'll trust that.
Today i told my brother and his girlfriend that i've gone head first into PND and asked them not to tell anyone. There's still only a few people knowing - telling them today is a bit of the weight of my shoulders. At least they will understand why i don't feel like talking or got the mind to put together a trip to go over and see them right now.
It sucks though, as i am longing to see my brother and show him Caroline. He is having an operation in september and wish i could be there for him.. It's hard not being around my brother, he and I use to be close but so much has happened and with me moving here we just fallen apart. He is still the one i talk to the most. My mum, well, been weeks since i've heard from her. I really don't have the mind to sit down and sent her an email. I got no idea what to tell her. All she wants it's pictures to show off, frankly i'm sick of sending her pictures without her being involved.
Tomorrow it's 2 years since we waved the final goodbye to my grandad. I know tomorrow is going to be hard to get through. I miss him everyday and when i think of him it still tears me up. I feel sick and clammy. Wonder if i'll ever be able to let go off him.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Monday, 24 June 2013
Preparing
From tomorrow and the next week forward is going to be a really weird week for me. Tomorrow it's 2 years ago i woke up to a message from my mum telling me my grandad had passed away. It didn't come sudden and it was kinda a relief but was still stunned..
All i can remember is i woke up half an hour or so after she had sent it, i had left my phone on the sofa table so didn't hear it. It was early in the morning. After i read it i walked calmly into bed and said to N "He is finally dead... I need to go see my nan and gather up with the family" No tears, nothing.
We got Lorelai up, fed and dressed and drove the ten minutes to my nan. On the way there i could feel tears pushing but don't think i cried that day. When we came there N went back home to give me and my family some space and so i wouldn't have to worry about Lorelai. She was just about 6 months.
My grandad was laying in the bedroom, all dressed up nicely. They had all said their goodbyes, kissed him and hugged him so it was natural for me to go see him. He looked so peaceful, you could see he was relaxed. Yes he was dead but he had suffered from cancer for many years and it had been a fight to the end.
I never touched him or kissed him. I couldn't. I never told him i loved him but i hope he knows it. I haven't faced the fact he is dead yet. I am scared that if i cry and get it out of me i will forget him. I was never his favorite, my brother was. They had so much in common. But he was the only blood related grandad i had. My dad's dad died years before i was even born so him i never knew.
I got so many memories of my grandad but im scared to shared them with anyone. I'm scared ill loose them. It might sound weird to someone.
He was buried on the 2nd July, 7 days later. It was a day with mixed feelings. We saw family members we hadn't seen for years, we all agree it wasn't a day to bed sad as my grandad did want any fuss made of his death. We all knew it was coming. Sometimes i had hoped i would have come years earlier but i am so deeply happy and grateful that he got to meet my first born.
I don't believe in god etc. But i have to believe my grandad is sat with his walking stick waiting for us to meet again.
All i can remember is i woke up half an hour or so after she had sent it, i had left my phone on the sofa table so didn't hear it. It was early in the morning. After i read it i walked calmly into bed and said to N "He is finally dead... I need to go see my nan and gather up with the family" No tears, nothing.
We got Lorelai up, fed and dressed and drove the ten minutes to my nan. On the way there i could feel tears pushing but don't think i cried that day. When we came there N went back home to give me and my family some space and so i wouldn't have to worry about Lorelai. She was just about 6 months.
My grandad was laying in the bedroom, all dressed up nicely. They had all said their goodbyes, kissed him and hugged him so it was natural for me to go see him. He looked so peaceful, you could see he was relaxed. Yes he was dead but he had suffered from cancer for many years and it had been a fight to the end.
I never touched him or kissed him. I couldn't. I never told him i loved him but i hope he knows it. I haven't faced the fact he is dead yet. I am scared that if i cry and get it out of me i will forget him. I was never his favorite, my brother was. They had so much in common. But he was the only blood related grandad i had. My dad's dad died years before i was even born so him i never knew.
I got so many memories of my grandad but im scared to shared them with anyone. I'm scared ill loose them. It might sound weird to someone.
He was buried on the 2nd July, 7 days later. It was a day with mixed feelings. We saw family members we hadn't seen for years, we all agree it wasn't a day to bed sad as my grandad did want any fuss made of his death. We all knew it was coming. Sometimes i had hoped i would have come years earlier but i am so deeply happy and grateful that he got to meet my first born.
I don't believe in god etc. But i have to believe my grandad is sat with his walking stick waiting for us to meet again.
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Saturday, 22 June 2013
To the one person that know me better than me
You are a very special person to me, someone i wouldn't be without. You came into my life when i needed someone to save me to most, you have taken me on a journey filled with love, hate, fear, stress, joy, heaven and hell.
You giving me the biggest and most wonderful gift in the world - two amazing daughters and your heart.
I know i can be a plain bitch at times and be really mean but when the day ends it's you i want to cuddle up with in bed and the first one to see in the mornings. You know all those things i moan about? That some times pisses me off more than it should - that is what i love about you. I love your passion for you hobbies, for your kids. I love how you don't care about anything except us and your family. I admire your strength to carry on when the world throws shit at you. The way you snore at night might really piss me off when i can't sleep but i wouldn't be without it.
Laying in your arms is the safest place i know, hearing your heartbeat is magic in my ears. Seeing you playing with the girls is pure joy. So when i step back and just stand there and look, don't get upset i am enjoying what i see. When i take pictures of you don't get mad, it do it for memories and the girls. So that if one day we are going to loose you they can always look back and see just how amazing you are.
My love for you cannot be written in words, no word is big enough. But i love you, simple as that. Every inch of me loves you. The thought of you not being here breaks my heart. I am lucky to have you in my life, to have you as the father to my children.
You have been standing as my rock through everything, through the losses and gains. We been put through so much in the time we been together that i truly believe we will get through anything as long as we stand together.
Please hear me when i say i am sorry for everything i have put you through, even if it wasn't my own fault. And i am sorry for everything i will put you through in the future. I know you keep telling me to stop being sorry for things i can't control but i need to tell you that i don't mean things i say when i am upset.
Thankyou for what you giving me so far. Thankyou for believing in me when no one else has. Thankyou for being there for me when i need it and thankyou for loving me even when i'm not perfect.
You once asked me why i love you and i told you i don't know i just do - i still don't know why i love you i really just do. Everything about you. I hope i can make you as happy as you make me and that you will love me for as long as we are on this earth. I know i will.
You know me better than anyone else, you know all my weird habits, my cravings, what i really look like in the morning. You have seen all sides of me and you can read me better than i can. But i know you sometimes wonder what's going on in my head and to be honest with you, half the time i don't know. All i know is every time i'm upset all i want to do is be in your arms.
When i say i missed you even though we been together all day it means i missed your hugs and kisses. When you cuddle me i fall asleep because i feel safe. I know space can be tight in bed in the mornings when both girls are laying between us, but i love it. I love looking at all of you, knowing you are all mine and i am lucky to have you all.
This is all i wanted to say to you. All i needed to say right now.
You are the one for me, the one and only. I love you <3
You giving me the biggest and most wonderful gift in the world - two amazing daughters and your heart.
I know i can be a plain bitch at times and be really mean but when the day ends it's you i want to cuddle up with in bed and the first one to see in the mornings. You know all those things i moan about? That some times pisses me off more than it should - that is what i love about you. I love your passion for you hobbies, for your kids. I love how you don't care about anything except us and your family. I admire your strength to carry on when the world throws shit at you. The way you snore at night might really piss me off when i can't sleep but i wouldn't be without it.
Laying in your arms is the safest place i know, hearing your heartbeat is magic in my ears. Seeing you playing with the girls is pure joy. So when i step back and just stand there and look, don't get upset i am enjoying what i see. When i take pictures of you don't get mad, it do it for memories and the girls. So that if one day we are going to loose you they can always look back and see just how amazing you are.
My love for you cannot be written in words, no word is big enough. But i love you, simple as that. Every inch of me loves you. The thought of you not being here breaks my heart. I am lucky to have you in my life, to have you as the father to my children.
You have been standing as my rock through everything, through the losses and gains. We been put through so much in the time we been together that i truly believe we will get through anything as long as we stand together.
Please hear me when i say i am sorry for everything i have put you through, even if it wasn't my own fault. And i am sorry for everything i will put you through in the future. I know you keep telling me to stop being sorry for things i can't control but i need to tell you that i don't mean things i say when i am upset.
Thankyou for what you giving me so far. Thankyou for believing in me when no one else has. Thankyou for being there for me when i need it and thankyou for loving me even when i'm not perfect.
You once asked me why i love you and i told you i don't know i just do - i still don't know why i love you i really just do. Everything about you. I hope i can make you as happy as you make me and that you will love me for as long as we are on this earth. I know i will.
You know me better than anyone else, you know all my weird habits, my cravings, what i really look like in the morning. You have seen all sides of me and you can read me better than i can. But i know you sometimes wonder what's going on in my head and to be honest with you, half the time i don't know. All i know is every time i'm upset all i want to do is be in your arms.
When i say i missed you even though we been together all day it means i missed your hugs and kisses. When you cuddle me i fall asleep because i feel safe. I know space can be tight in bed in the mornings when both girls are laying between us, but i love it. I love looking at all of you, knowing you are all mine and i am lucky to have you all.
This is all i wanted to say to you. All i needed to say right now.
You are the one for me, the one and only. I love you <3
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